{22}

Suddenly I see the future for me is kind of ---blurry.
Am I doing things that I will love and willing to live with?

Honestly, I am not so sure.

And this is not a good sign.

Sigh.

{21}

Bismillah.

Ibn Umar mentioned, "Kalau aku tahu satu dari amalanku diterima Allah itu sudah membuatkan aku lega."

I cringed after reading this ---never come across in my mind to ever ponder deeply, questioning whether my deeds are being accepted by Allah SWT.
Really it's not the matter of ignorant, it's just that all these while I am too absorb to ensure I am istiqamah with my ibadah ---but what's matter most at the end is whether all my amalan are accepted by Allah SWT.

It is a good-feeling-realization anyway after reading the word from Ibn Umar.

I need to look back did I perform my solah accordingly? Did my nawaitu is for Allah SWT? How about my intention ---whether I seek for human acknowledgement too?
And lots more.

May this time Ramadhan become my turning point to evaluate and improvement myself better.

Yours truly,

{20}

Bismillah.

I cried watching last night Umrah Bersama Ustaz Don.

I cried not because of sadness,

I well up in tears because of the view that I see of Madinah Al Munawarrah and Mekah Al Mukaramah are indescribably beautiful ---so beautiful that I start to have goose bump and end up tears coming out.

I have been here before, when I was a 8 year old kid ---to young to capture all.

But Wallahi, I can still remember the details ---the weather, the breeze brushes my cheeks, the taste of zamzam, the coldnesss of marble floor of Masjidil Haram when I rest my forehead for sujud, the long alley distance of Safa and Marwa where I remember I struggled to keep up with the fast pace, the calmness of dawn when we family walk together to join the Subuh jamaah, the Masjid Quba and the rest that I barely remember just as a swish reminiscence.

I want to go here again.

I want to stand by the Kaabah and plead for forgiveness for all my wrongdoings all these while.

I want to go to Maqam Prophet Muhammad and whispering acknowledging Prophet Muhammad that I send my greetings to him ---salaam dari pengikutnya yang sentiasa rindu padanya.

Truly, no words can describe the feelings.

Yours truly,

{19}

Bismillah.

A piece of wise words from a good friend of mine;

To accept somebody ---do learn to accept his/her flaws first.
Because the person strength is more easier to be accepted.

Right, now I need to be more flexible and open about others flaws; as what I expect others to accept me as the way I am --- a person with imperfection.

Yours truly,

{18}

Bismillah.

Life is like a puzzle ---a jigsaw puzzle.

Really, when you thought that you knew exactly where your life is heading ---you are dead wrong.
Instead, you'll be surprise at the end.

When you are wondering why all sorts of *bad* things happening to you ---all that inside your head is all about feeling down and upset, you'll be realized that at the end those *bad* things are actually there to mature you and eventually make up your life's story line.

Seems like every thing doesn't make a sense until one day --- that one day when you look back into the past and close your eyes.
Close your eyes and rewind ---watching all those *pieces* of puzzles are actually fixing themselves together, forming a beautiful pieces of scenery.

A scenery when you look upon you can find serene, love, hatred, sadness, numb,gratefulness--- you name it.
All the feeling combo together to form a masterpiece ---finally almost being finish up.

Looking up, at the corner of the masterpiece you'll find the name of the owner ---embedded beautifully as Allah SWT, The Most Loving and Merciful.

At that moment, the feeling is the utmost beautiful.

I swore, wallahi.

Yours truly,

{17}

The month where we always wish to meet again, year after year has passed,
The month where the tranquility feel extra more than usual,
The month where we empathy the feeling of hunger, poverty and sabr,
The month where we train our nafs and soul to get down and serve Allah,
The month where mosque feel extraordinary alive compare to usual,
The month where terawikh with family felt like the utmost blessing from Him,
The month of truly the month of blessing and forgiveness from Him,

May I have the time to meet with Ramadhan again this time.
If yes, may I make full use of the month doing good deeds and may I gain His rahmah and forgiveness ---much better than the previous one.

Amiin.

Yours truly,

{16}

List of Things That I feel Grateful of Yesterday

+Start the morning with enough sleep and still breathing.
+Doing some morning brisk walk with Baba and Mama ---a bless to watch them start to take exercise as healthy habit seriously.
+Going to Being Me event by Mercy Mission.
+Meet up plenty fantastic and inspiring speaker.
+Revisit some good advise/messages ---how much I love to be reminded constantly bout them.
And others.

Yours truly,

{15}

Bismillah.

Been joining the Being Me convention --- for the second time round. Alhamdulillah like usual the event really beneficial to me and Masha Allah, there are plenty messages/advises that I would like to remind to myself (perhaps others) often.

These are among the advises that I pick up along the way;

+Our life is the reflection of what is inside us.
+Whoever  doesn't love themselves, can't never really able to love another unconditionally.
+Love Allah first before anyone/anything else!
+Keep a gratitude journal/list.
+Kindness is inside the heart ---it will show externally eventually.
+How to remove anger inside us?
//Correct the mind instead of trying to correct the person that we angry of.
//Accept people the way they are,really.
//Change the way we view the situation.
//Let go of grunge and hatred.
+Only egoistic people always in stress situation.
+ Remove :
//Always want to be more superior than others.
//Worrying what others think ---reputation.
//Hands that are stingy to give to others,
+Accept people by who they are, Always appreciate, Always acknowledging, Love generously, Think good thought, Take good action.
+The rule of thumb : We have -- We give -- We get.

Yours truly,

{14}

List of Things That I Feel Grateful Of Yesterday

+ Be able to wake up in the morning.
+ Start the day with praising Him and zikr.
+ Zuhr jamaah.
+ Having great late lunch after ending up practical session ---accompany by bubbly Azwa, totally a great time.
+ Friday is coming up :)

Yours Truly,

{13}

Been following her since forever.
Frankly,I do envy her ability to do what she loves most ---never been control by what other's perception.

I pray that in future that I will be doing things that I am passionate about. Because being a person who always plans ahead what's her action and decisions --- I am always the one who wanted things to be done in my ways. I know this is not a very healthy habit and I am improving myself. I know that the best planner of all will be The One --- Allah SWT.

Yet, I secretly hope that if things doesn't go as I wish in the future; I pray that I am granted by strong heart and perseverance to go on with the life.

After all, what I am looking for in this Dunya will totally be Allah's mercy and rahmah.
Absolutely, He is the one who knows best.

"You don't know your future. But you know Allah, so trust Allah, because Allah has control over your future."

Yours truly,

{12}

Bismillah.

You know, by making other people feel impressed toward us by stating how much we know more than them ;feeling that we are more superior than others doesn't actually grow the confidence level.

That confidence we feel in ourselves is fake --- tipu semata mata.

It is just an attempt to cover up the insecurity within.

There's a difference between confidence based on those fake attempt and confidence based on the inner qualities.

"Confidence needs to come from what is inside us, not what we do outside."

Yours truly,

{11}

Bismillah.

Really, how to know when you've really found your soul mate?

Soul Mate;

"Soul mates are brought into your life so that you can grow and expand into the best version of yourself.'

Yours truly,

{10}

Bismillah.

It is how things work for me. I may not keep in touch with them that often, but doesn't mean that I forget about them.

As when sometimes I went missing --- it is just that I am taking my time.

Sometimes I am afraid that people will misjudge me by being a someone who is looking over people when I am having a bad time ---honestly that's when I need someone to talk to.

It is how things work for me.

And I am still figuring out who will stay and who don't.

"Sometime you have to be strong to yourself"

Yours truly,

{9}

Bismillah.

Failure is subjective. It's the way of we perceive how *loser* we are.

Equally success ---too subjective to be defined.
One may interpret his/her success differently from others.

Per say, one may define his/her success story as being able to do what he/she loves most --- as career for example.
Some might say, success means being able to bring lots of money home ---although he/she loathe their 9 to 5 routine.

As for me, I think it is all about how we redefine our situation ---perhaps any bad situation and shortcoming.
It is about how we move on and facing the situation with bearing in heart that as good situation always find their end ---same goes ad bad situation.

Nothing is permanent ---Allah does.

Instead of mopping around and feeling depress, I resolve to be more persistent in my intention to become a better person ---not avoiding the difficulties, instead facing them as test from Him,truly.

I know at the end, I have Him.

That's all enough for me.

"He breaks you, to build you. Deprives you, to give you. This pain in your heart was
created to make you yearn less for this life, and to yearn more for Jannah. "
Yours truly,

{8}

Let the rain poured --- heavily.

If you let yourself feel the loss, the sadness will go away.

"One of the quickest way to accept the absence of something we wish we had ---but don't ---is to acknowledge the disappointment"

Yours truly,

{7}

Burst of colors.

I like the idea of them bowing at the end of the video --- very Japan-esque.
Oh how I miss going to Osaka-Hiroshima! *.*

Right know guess I just can dreaming away to go there again.

"I'm gonna paint you by numbers and color you in, if things go right we can frame it."

Yours truly,

{6}

Sungguh aku belum fahami,

Erti lena dibuai lena di alam mimpi.

Walau apa yang datang menjelma,

Kita akan hadapi bersama,

Walau ribut yang datang melanda,

Kita hadapi bersama.

Ku cuba keluar dari keinginan yang merasuk benak pemikiran,

Ku cuba ubah demi masa depan,

Usah taksub dengan kesenangan.

//Katakan masih ada peluang untuk kembali bertaut,

//Demi kita dan harapan.

Deep. 

I just love movie that made me thinking and has beautiful messages --- Standing ovation from me.

"Life is meaningful when you are surrounded by inspiration and the loved ones"

Yours truly,

{5}

Bismillah.

Allah did mentioned in Al Quran --- "Verily I give what you need, not what you want".

Yes, Allah knows what His servants do really need and what truly the best for His servants.

With my limited thinking and knowledge, I need to learn not to question what has been decided for me ---because I know that's the best for me from Him.

Ya Rab, jadikan lah hati ini redha sentiasa dengan ketetapan Mu. 
Amin.

"The moment you're ready to quit is usually the moment right before a miracle happens. Don't give up"

Yours truly,

{4}

Bismillah.

Today I come across with Mat Luthfi's newest video -- Sebelah Sayap. I could say splendid directing and story line. The message really hit me. Somehow I could relate with the video to past events happening in my life.

What touches me truly would be,
\\I should not run from problems. Be brave and face them instead.
\\Some people are not thinking as equally as we are. Some things that are easy for us may be difficult to others --that's come the importance of empathy.

I realize that for the past years, definitely I had done decisions that were selfish. Ignorantly, I defied others feelings and emotions; I failed to put myself in their shoes.

Somehow now, I did experience some situation that are really -- I think not fair for me.

And boom it hits me -- this must be reminder from Allah that I may had wronged people during the past. Honestly, I don't believe in karma thingy but I always did some muhasabah every time bad things happened to me. That moment I knew all the shortcoming I am experiencing must be message from Allah; to remind me of Him and how He long for His servant's plead and cry.

That moment I knew.
I need to be husnuzhon and increase more of my supplication to Him.
It's always been this prayer -- Ya Allah, permudahkanlah segalanya bagi ku. Sesungguhnya Engkaulah pemilik hati ini;You are truly The Turner of the heart Ya Rabb. Make my heart stay with You no matter how weak I feel and how devastated I feel. You are the owner of the Heaven and Earth. Every single things that happen truly are by Your permission and You know the best for me, Your weak servant. Amin.

Time has no rewind button. What's left is Hope -- Hope to become a better person; a more reflective human. The most important things is istiqomah and renewal of my intention everyday-- this is my struggle.

Until the last breath, insyaallah.

"Hope and Fear is like a pair of wings. We need both to fly"

Yours truly,

{3}

Bismillah.

Pardon me.
For not welcoming you,June.

Can't believe I am entering the 6th month of the year. Time travel very fast nowdays--not sure did I make the most of them or not.

So far, the first half is filled with bittersweet moments. Some did grow me. Some did almost bent me but hey! I am a fighter. No stopping for me okay \m/  Overall, alhamdulillah for every single thing that happened. No regret.

So, I still have 6 months left before 2013 end.

Great news. I am entering my 5th semester, means I am already in my 3rd year of pharmacy school--is it a hurray? Aherherher maybe maybe.
3rd year means I am entering the clinical and research phase. Gosh gosh, the thoughest year perhaps?

Hmph I wonder, how may I want them to be?

Honestly, I am not really sure.
Not yet.

"I'm gonna pick up the pieces, and build up a Lego house. If things go wrong we can knock it down. "

Yours truly,

{2}

Bismillah,
Here's the thing. All these while I've been putting up myself in so-called standards of what I've should behave or act.
Standards that I agree to commit with.
Perhaps some of them are ;
*I must look as if I am having fun around people*
*I must try hard to fit in*
*I must not be nervous--eventhough I am!*
*I should not say no, even if I know that particular person are being dishonest to me*
*I must help people as many that I can though I am jeopardizing my time*
And the list goes on--presumably on my behaviour during presents of people.
It occur to me that I need to get rid of those rigid self expectation. Been thinking that those strict rules just gives me pressure as well as turning me into a hypocrite--and not being me in return.
That's it.
I should take a chill pill--give myself some space that I deserve. Because I know if it wasn't me, there is no other people would. Imma gonna make a *permission list* whilst breaking up with those rigid list hoyeah \m/
My Permission List
I give myself permission to:
//say no to others,politely--I don't want to offence anybody.
//decline invitation from friends if I feel don't want to.
//express to others my need to have some time to think or made decision.
Brrr so far those are what cross into my mind. Will update the list later.
"To find the good life you must become yourself"
Yours truly,

{1}

Hopes and Dreams,
That's what keep us moving.

Bismillah, let the writting begin.